By Philip Ziegler
It’s a dodgy proposition, reading about a pandemic while living through one.
I had hoped that picking up ‘The Black Death’ would broaden my perspective, pull me out of the stress of the past few years and remind me that we are all subject to the great shiftings of history. Remind me that there have been other sufferings and that this, too, shall pass.
It worked, but not as I had expected. Rather than reconciling me to the vicissitudes of fate, reading ‘The Black Death’ reminded me, forcefully, that human history (including our own) is so often farce. That we are imperfect beings groping blindly after solutions to problems that we rarely even understand. That there isn’t much to do but learn to laugh at ourselves, even while we suffer.
So, in that spirit, as we limp through our own pandemic, I have culled from this book a list of tips for avoiding the plague, from people who lived through it:
- Plague is carried by “miasmic air”, so avoid the coast – miasmic air might waft off the sea.
- On the other hand, it might not.
- Avoid marshes and windy places for the same (possible) reason.
- Burn nice-smelling woods and plants – good smells may drive off the miasmic air. Ash, juniper, musk, cyprus, laurel, rosemary are all good.
- Likewise, fill your home with flowers.
- Bad smells may also drive off miasmic air, so hang your head over the latrine and breathe deeply (it does not say how often or for how long – better safe than sorry).
- Sprinkle rose-water and vinegar on the floor of your house.
- Carry around an apple – smell that.
- Live in a house that faces north.
- Avoid lepers: they are jealous and may try to poison you.
- Lie around – do not exercise. When you exercise, you breathe more heavily and will breathe more miasmic air (perhaps, if you are desperate, you may exercise in the latrine?).
- For this reason, definitely do not have sex, under any circumstances. If you must, try not to exert yourself too much.
- Don’t sleep on your back.
- Don’t sleep after eating.
- Speaking of eating, don’t eat fish – they come from the miasmic sea.
- Don’t eat hard-boiled eggs.
- Don’t eat lettuce.
- If you must eat, mix ten-year-old treacle with wine and chopped snake – eat that.
- Grind an emerald into powder so strong that “if a toad looked at it, its eyes would crack” – eat that.
- If you must drink, mix a drink of lemon, rose-water, peppermint, and apple-syrup – drink that.
- Mix one ounce of gold with eleven ounces of quicksilver over heat, “let the quicksilver escape”, add forty-seven ounces of water of borage, store for three days over heat in an air-tight container, then drink that.
- Take an amethyst, etch onto it a picture of man bowing and holding a snake, its head in his right hand, and its tail in his left. Set the amethyst in a gold ring. Wear that.
- Definitely do not bathe.
- If you must wash, only wash your hands with vinegar or rose-water.
- Get bled – try to give eight pounds (say, three and a half liters) of blood.
- Even though everyone around you is dying, don’t get sad. This makes you more susceptible to the miasma.
And above all, stay calm.